The First Day of Faculty In-Service

All right, hello, nice to see you all. Welcome to Hillsdale Equality, Learning, and Leadership Academy. As the more perceptive of you may have noticed, I am the principal but you can call me John if you like. We try to keep things informal as well as informational here. That's just a little joke. You're all here for the next 10 months, which seems like an eternity, so you'll get to know everyone pretty well by the end. But for now I'm going have to split everyone up into groups.

Question. No, you may not use the toilet. If you had read your handbook carefully, as I requested, you would have seen that there is no relief for faculty between nine and noon, what I like to call Prime Time Learning. Plan ahead next time. You expect this of your students, so I will hold you to the same standard. That's only fair, isn't it?

Right then, let's split you up. Say, can you hear me at the back? This thing always shorts out when I use it. Yes, you can? Good.

Substitutes, absentee reserve teachers, guest teachers: You can go now. If we want you, we'll call. But you should know, the administrative team has prohibited faculty illness for the months of August, September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May and June.

Alumni of Stanford Education School and Columbia Teacher's College: We are so lucky you have chosen to work at our humble campus! Please, take a pew up front, you are all invited to lunch with me at The Palm. Did you know I graduated from the Stanford with a master's in Educational Leadership?

Teachers who want to get out of the classroom as soon as possible: My God there's a lot of you. Let's split you up into Teacher for America members and everyone else. TFA-ers, go join Michelle over there, on the right. She will introduce you to TFA's regulations and culture. Remember all school activities are required; you must attend TFA functions on your own time, not the school's. Young non-TFA-ers, sit behind the Stanford and Columbia graduates. Get to know each other, networking is so important in this business. Old non-TFA-ers, take a chair in the back and stay quiet, nobody cares about you.

Art, music, drama, shop, P.E. and foreign language teachers: Enrollment is up so we don't have enough classroom space this year. You can share the three quonset huts behind the stadium. Because all administrators are getting 20% raises this year, we cannot give you any money for supplies or equipment. As I'm sure you are well aware, fundraisers and donations for specific programs are strictly prohibited. Rest assured though, I love and support all of your subjects and believe them to be an important part of a well-rounded education.

Computer teachers and IT specialists: Here are the latest catalogues from Apple, Microsoft, Google, SmartTech, and Samsung. Order whatever you'd like. We want to build our reputation as a cutting edge, computer oriented, and technology forward school.

Special ed teachers, aides, assistants, therapists, tutors: On the back wall you will find a list of who will be working with us this year. I know I said enrollment is up, especially special needs students, but we want to be inclusive to all students. The administrative team has decided all special needs students will be mainstreamed in every subject regardless of disability. Now those of you who are staying, sit next to the technology department to get your equipment orders in. Don't worry about the cost, your budget was tripled over the summer.

Rookies, interns, non-credentialed teachers: You have each been assigned the smallest classrooms we could find. As per handbook rules, you are not allowed to leave you classroom during the school day or speak with any veteran teachers from any school at any time for any reason. Call the office if you need help, but remember we are very busy people and may not always be available to assist you.

Student teachers: Will not be with us for another month or two. Their universities' have added extra required classes, which must be completed before they join us.

Trapped veteran teachers: Join the old burn outs in the back. You know nothing about education theory, pedagogical best practices, or child development. Only recent ed school graduates have the suitable training to properly teach children. You are welcome to make an appointment to meet with me individually and I will pretend to listen, nod, smile absently, spout soothing platitudes, lecture you on my highly-insightful career, and ignore everything you say.

Everyone settled? Excellent! There has been a lot of talk about professional development and I want to clarify a few items. I hardly need tell you teachers must be life long learners, so we are expanding our professional development offerings to you. These are required events, and all faculty must attend every minute of every session, even those not specific to your teaching assignment. Remember good ideas can be found everywhere, if you just look hard enough, you'll find them. All professional development sessions will be held here on campus and are carefully selected by the administrative team. Do not bring anything to professional development sessions, those who are found to be multi-tasking will be severely reprimanded. If you want to go to an off-campus workshop, seminar, or conference, you will have to get my approval, prove that student learning will not be effected by your absence and pay for all expenses yourself. Columbia and Stanford alumni, there are a lot great outside offerings I want to you to pursue; we will talk further about this over lunch.

Don't be afraid to stop by my office to chat, but try to avoid lunch, recess, after school, or any time that I'm busy. I have to go now; Pam here will give you class schedules. And rosters, and calendars, and books, and manipulatives, and scripts. Then Dave will review the faculty handbook, which you've already read. Tomorrow we will begin the new professional development program with an all day seminar.

Bye now. Sorry I can't stay. My driver is waiting to take me to the board retreat. Remember we're here for the children!

[Thank you to Rowan Atkinson and Mr. Teachbad for their inspiration.]