Hut Two Three Four

Professional development this year is focused on "whole brain teaching."  Which was not what I expected.

Whole brain teaching is not whole, does not use the brain, and teaches nothing. (Think of it as the Holy Roman Empire of teaching.) In fact none of those words were ever used in the workshop.  What they have to do with "whole brain teaching" is decidedly unclear.

In reality "whole brain teaching" is a classroom management technique modeled after military boot camp.  Yes, you read that right.  Wrap it up in an innocuous, Teacher's College-esque name, and you can sell the Marine Corps to suburban, oh-so-progressive parents.  

When using whole brain teaching, the teacher is supposed to call the class to attention by yelling, "Class!" and the students are supposed to yell back, "Yes!"  Students are expected to mimic their teacher's yelling style and inflection.  Substitute "Class!" with "Ten-hut!" and "Yes!" with "Huh!" and you've got Day 1 of every military's basic training. 

But wait, there's more! When you want students to talk to a partner, you yell "Teach!" and the students are supposed to yell "Okay!" back before they regurgitate whatever content you just said to their neighbor who was listening to the exact same thing. If you want your students to sit up straight and look at you, you yell "Hands and eyes!" which your students are supposed to yell back while fixing their posture.

Basically if you want your class to do something, you yell at them. They then all yell back and follow the directions. Everyone does everything out loud and at the same time. Yet the quacks who invented this system claims that it fosters creativity and individuality. Oh sure, let's all be unique -- in the exact same way!