What's Wrong with American Education - Reason #457392

"I don't want students to know what they're learning."

Believe it or not, I've heard this sentence more than once, from more than one teacher.  Every time I do, it leaves me apoplectic.  Why on God's green earth do you not want your students to know what they are learning?  Is there some contagious disease that comes with knowledge and understanding?

If you do not tell your students what they are learning, then you are not teaching.

In other words, doing is not teaching.  (Neither is telling, but that's another post.)  Doing is just doing.  Doing an activity does not confer understanding on its participants.  Understanding is the key to both teaching and learning.  Teachers break down a subject and present it (through a variety of means) so students can understand it.  Certainly doing, or practicing, is a part of the learning process, but there is much more to it.  There is vocabulary, identification, reasoning, relationships, discovery, etc.   If I want a class to learn steady beat, we will practice it constantly and in a variety of settings.  But we will also define the words "steady" and "beat."  We will listen to pieces with and without a steady beat.   The students would learn to recognize a steady beat in music they hear.  We will explore the connection between beat and tempo; and when the beat changes on purpose.  We will answer the question: Why does music have a beat? 

Anyone can train a monkey to keep a steady beat.  But, aside imitating a human, the monkey has not learned anything.  Surely we should strive for more when teaching our children.

The First Day of Faculty In-Service

All right, hello, nice to see you all. Welcome to Hillsdale Equality, Learning, and Leadership Academy. As the more perceptive of you may have noticed, I am the principal but you can call me John if you like. We try to keep things informal as well as informational here. That's just a little joke. You're all here for the next 10 months, which seems like an eternity, so you'll get to know everyone pretty well by the end. But for now I'm going have to split everyone up into groups.

Question. No, you may not use the toilet. If you had read your handbook carefully, as I requested, you would have seen that there is no relief for faculty between nine and noon, what I like to call Prime Time Learning. Plan ahead next time. You expect this of your students, so I will hold you to the same standard. That's only fair, isn't it?

Right then, let's split you up. Say, can you hear me at the back? This thing always shorts out when I use it. Yes, you can? Good.

Substitutes, absentee reserve teachers, guest teachers: You can go now. If we want you, we'll call. But you should know, the administrative team has prohibited faculty illness for the months of August, September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May and June.

Alumni of Stanford Education School and Columbia Teacher's College: We are so lucky you have chosen to work at our humble campus! Please, take a pew up front, you are all invited to lunch with me at The Palm. Did you know I graduated from the Stanford with a master's in Educational Leadership?

Teachers who want to get out of the classroom as soon as possible: My God there's a lot of you. Let's split you up into Teacher for America members and everyone else. TFA-ers, go join Michelle over there, on the right. She will introduce you to TFA's regulations and culture. Remember all school activities are required; you must attend TFA functions on your own time, not the school's. Young non-TFA-ers, sit behind the Stanford and Columbia graduates. Get to know each other, networking is so important in this business. Old non-TFA-ers, take a chair in the back and stay quiet, nobody cares about you.

Art, music, drama, shop, P.E. and foreign language teachers: Enrollment is up so we don't have enough classroom space this year. You can share the three quonset huts behind the stadium. Because all administrators are getting 20% raises this year, we cannot give you any money for supplies or equipment. As I'm sure you are well aware, fundraisers and donations for specific programs are strictly prohibited. Rest assured though, I love and support all of your subjects and believe them to be an important part of a well-rounded education.

Computer teachers and IT specialists: Here are the latest catalogues from Apple, Microsoft, Google, SmartTech, and Samsung. Order whatever you'd like. We want to build our reputation as a cutting edge, computer oriented, and technology forward school.

Special ed teachers, aides, assistants, therapists, tutors: On the back wall you will find a list of who will be working with us this year. I know I said enrollment is up, especially special needs students, but we want to be inclusive to all students. The administrative team has decided all special needs students will be mainstreamed in every subject regardless of disability. Now those of you who are staying, sit next to the technology department to get your equipment orders in. Don't worry about the cost, your budget was tripled over the summer.

Rookies, interns, non-credentialed teachers: You have each been assigned the smallest classrooms we could find. As per handbook rules, you are not allowed to leave you classroom during the school day or speak with any veteran teachers from any school at any time for any reason. Call the office if you need help, but remember we are very busy people and may not always be available to assist you.

Student teachers: Will not be with us for another month or two. Their universities' have added extra required classes, which must be completed before they join us.

Trapped veteran teachers: Join the old burn outs in the back. You know nothing about education theory, pedagogical best practices, or child development. Only recent ed school graduates have the suitable training to properly teach children. You are welcome to make an appointment to meet with me individually and I will pretend to listen, nod, smile absently, spout soothing platitudes, lecture you on my highly-insightful career, and ignore everything you say.

Everyone settled? Excellent! There has been a lot of talk about professional development and I want to clarify a few items. I hardly need tell you teachers must be life long learners, so we are expanding our professional development offerings to you. These are required events, and all faculty must attend every minute of every session, even those not specific to your teaching assignment. Remember good ideas can be found everywhere, if you just look hard enough, you'll find them. All professional development sessions will be held here on campus and are carefully selected by the administrative team. Do not bring anything to professional development sessions, those who are found to be multi-tasking will be severely reprimanded. If you want to go to an off-campus workshop, seminar, or conference, you will have to get my approval, prove that student learning will not be effected by your absence and pay for all expenses yourself. Columbia and Stanford alumni, there are a lot great outside offerings I want to you to pursue; we will talk further about this over lunch.

Don't be afraid to stop by my office to chat, but try to avoid lunch, recess, after school, or any time that I'm busy. I have to go now; Pam here will give you class schedules. And rosters, and calendars, and books, and manipulatives, and scripts. Then Dave will review the faculty handbook, which you've already read. Tomorrow we will begin the new professional development program with an all day seminar.

Bye now. Sorry I can't stay. My driver is waiting to take me to the board retreat. Remember we're here for the children!

[Thank you to Rowan Atkinson and Mr. Teachbad for their inspiration.]

Dear Administrator - part 4576849

Dear Administrator,

I hate you with a passion you can only dream of.  The ferocious energy of a supernova cools in comparison to my hatred of you. The reasons I hate you could fill the entire Library of Congress.  There is not enough matter in the universe to make the ink to fully describe my loathing for your existence.   So I will content myself with describing merely one of your faults, best expressed by the classic line from "A Few Good Men":

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

You cannot bear to hear the truth spoken to your face.  You may claim otherwise, but we all know it's a lie.  Every time an employee speaks the truth to you, he is immediately blackballed.  The truth that you are doing a shitty job, that your leadership skills resemble those of creamed corn, that your school is poorly run, that the students are running wild because you have no discipline policy, et cetera ad infinitum.  (No, I'm not telling you what that means, go look it up you moron.)  Said honest employee is hassled with the worst students in the school, being forced to move classrooms, assigned yard duty before school and during lunch, becoming subject to countless "drop-in" observations, and whatever torture you devise as revenge.  But that's not the worst offense.

God forbid a teacher tell any parents the truth!  That you are watering down the school's curriculum, that you plan to cut programs in order to maintain your (and your cronies) exorbitant salaries, that you hire weak teachers intentionally so you can bully them, that you are systematically dismantling the school's great programs and replacing them with ones you've heard about at ed school.  We can't have ethical teachers!  NO SIR!!!  We can't have that.  No, no, no, no, no. 

You are an Educational Dalek, (No moron, I'm not telling what this is either.) you must EXTERMINATE!  Anyone and everyone who is honest and ethical and courageous enough to say out loud the emperor has no clothes.

This is why I hate you.  You are the antithesis of everything we want to teacher our students.

Now piss off.  I have students to teach.